Attitude of Gratitude
On Monday night, I went to Wharton to hear a lecture by Dr. Joan Borysenko, a medical doctor from Harvard who specializes in mind-body-spiritual health and stress resilience. It was an eye-opening experience for me. Becky and I talked about it after the lecture and then, yesterday, I had dinner with Anne (who had also been at the lecture with her sister) and Tish (who has already been doing the “gratitude exercises” and yoga and is miles ahead on stress resilience!), and we talked about her ideas and how we could use them in our own lives. So – here’s my rough summary of Dr. Borysenko’s points and some of what my friends and I talked about – just wanted to share it with all of you!
Three Secrets of Resilience
1. Optimistic Realism – resolute, unblushing acceptance of reality (positive interpretation that is realistic – not blind optimism)
2. Deep belief that life is meaningful
3. Uncanny ability to improvise – taking the situation you are in and making it into something meaningful
To illustrate these secrets of resilience, she told two stories she had heard recently about people’s responses to the economic depression we’re in now. In the first, a man in his 30’s jumped out of a window and killed himself. In the second, a couple lost all their investments and their home and had to move with their children into a relative’s basement. In this second instance, the couple was actually looking at the positives of spending time with family after years of being overly absorbed with their work. They said that they knew they would be able to use their skills to take their lives in a different direction, so they were learning and enjoying the new-found family closeness, in spite of financial difficulties. In the second situation, the couple had the three components of resilience that the young man did not have – realistic optimism, belief that life is meaningful, and an ability to improvise with the new life that they had been dealt.
Breaking the Stress Cycle
1. Thinking (more on this below in Gratitude Exercises)
2. Breathing (deep yoga breathing)
3. Olfactory cues (enjoyable smells – like keeping a sachet or scented oil in your purse – or going somewhere to smell the smells that are positive to you – when we talked about this at dinner, Elaine suggested the smell of baking bread)
4. Posture – good posture (and smiling!)
5. Reversing the flow – do something for someone else (reversing the flow of thinking only about yourself and your troubles) – Becky and I talked about this afterwards. She said that her mother always told her that the best way to get out of depression is to do something good for someone else. Physical exercise will reverse the flow too.
6. Connecting to a larger field (spirituality) – whether through religion or not, meditation, nature, prayer
7. Laughter – the one who laughs lasts (Loretta LaRoche)
Daily Gratitude Exercises
Every night before you go to bed, think of something for which you are grateful and concentrate on why you are grateful for it. Dr. Borysenko said that even your dreams will be better and you’ll feel better when you wake up.
Tish had more info on this exercise. Think of five NEW things every day that you are grateful for and write them down in a journal. It is easier to come up with five if you are more specific (e.g., instead of me writing, “I am grateful to have the best mother in the world,” I would write, “I am grateful that my mother still loves me, even though I neglected to tell her not to go see Slumdog Millionaire.”). Try this for three weeks – writing a new set of five every day. I’m going to try this!
The idea is that – if you focus on the positives in your life every day, you’re less likely to be dragged down by going through a litany of the negatives – Dr. Borysenko calls these the “poisons of pessimism” that can actually make you physically ill if you dwell on them. I know that I personally have been dragging myself down by obsessing on too many negatives in my work and life over the past couple months (my apologies to my friends and family who have had to listen to me complaining!), so I’m looking forward to breaking the negativity chain and getting back onto a more positive and grateful path.
Okay – this turned out to be a really long blog post but it is actually a short summary of everything Dr. Borysenko had to say – hope I’ve done her justice! Others who went to the lectures may have more to add.
Three Secrets of Resilience
1. Optimistic Realism – resolute, unblushing acceptance of reality (positive interpretation that is realistic – not blind optimism)
2. Deep belief that life is meaningful
3. Uncanny ability to improvise – taking the situation you are in and making it into something meaningful
To illustrate these secrets of resilience, she told two stories she had heard recently about people’s responses to the economic depression we’re in now. In the first, a man in his 30’s jumped out of a window and killed himself. In the second, a couple lost all their investments and their home and had to move with their children into a relative’s basement. In this second instance, the couple was actually looking at the positives of spending time with family after years of being overly absorbed with their work. They said that they knew they would be able to use their skills to take their lives in a different direction, so they were learning and enjoying the new-found family closeness, in spite of financial difficulties. In the second situation, the couple had the three components of resilience that the young man did not have – realistic optimism, belief that life is meaningful, and an ability to improvise with the new life that they had been dealt.
Breaking the Stress Cycle
1. Thinking (more on this below in Gratitude Exercises)
2. Breathing (deep yoga breathing)
3. Olfactory cues (enjoyable smells – like keeping a sachet or scented oil in your purse – or going somewhere to smell the smells that are positive to you – when we talked about this at dinner, Elaine suggested the smell of baking bread)
4. Posture – good posture (and smiling!)
5. Reversing the flow – do something for someone else (reversing the flow of thinking only about yourself and your troubles) – Becky and I talked about this afterwards. She said that her mother always told her that the best way to get out of depression is to do something good for someone else. Physical exercise will reverse the flow too.
6. Connecting to a larger field (spirituality) – whether through religion or not, meditation, nature, prayer
7. Laughter – the one who laughs lasts (Loretta LaRoche)
Daily Gratitude Exercises
Every night before you go to bed, think of something for which you are grateful and concentrate on why you are grateful for it. Dr. Borysenko said that even your dreams will be better and you’ll feel better when you wake up.
Tish had more info on this exercise. Think of five NEW things every day that you are grateful for and write them down in a journal. It is easier to come up with five if you are more specific (e.g., instead of me writing, “I am grateful to have the best mother in the world,” I would write, “I am grateful that my mother still loves me, even though I neglected to tell her not to go see Slumdog Millionaire.”). Try this for three weeks – writing a new set of five every day. I’m going to try this!
The idea is that – if you focus on the positives in your life every day, you’re less likely to be dragged down by going through a litany of the negatives – Dr. Borysenko calls these the “poisons of pessimism” that can actually make you physically ill if you dwell on them. I know that I personally have been dragging myself down by obsessing on too many negatives in my work and life over the past couple months (my apologies to my friends and family who have had to listen to me complaining!), so I’m looking forward to breaking the negativity chain and getting back onto a more positive and grateful path.
Okay – this turned out to be a really long blog post but it is actually a short summary of everything Dr. Borysenko had to say – hope I’ve done her justice! Others who went to the lectures may have more to add.
posted by Ruth at
7:38 PM
5 Comments:
Yeah Ruth! In these economic times, being employed in the cultural world (museums, libraries, education) is very scary. So, I'm thankful I'm a quilter. Quilting relieves stress and distracts me from my uncertain employment situation. I also bought enough fabric in good times to sew for the rest of my life. I'm planning on donating more quilts in the future, so that should help the attitude, too. And what good times we have for the price of a dish to pass in our small groups! Thanks to all my quilting buddies.
By
Anonymous, at 9:44 AM
I'm grateful for quilting friends and small groups too. And I'm definitely adding "I am grateful for my stash" to my Gratitude journal! Great idea! Like you, I have plenty of fabric to sew quilts for the rest of my life.
By
Ruth, at 10:39 AM
I agree that the best way to stop thinking about your own misfortune is to do something for someone else. I get great feelings from my work with Habitat for Humanity Lansing. I have met some wonderful people through Habitat and it gives me that "I am needed and appreciated" feeling. All day at work I help those who are suffering from the downturn in the economy, job losses, deaths, illness etc. I feel better knowing I helped them plus I am more thankful for what I have. Of course owning three cats makes you a much more relaxed and joyful person too.
By
Cyndee, at 4:23 PM
Hi Ruth! Tish passed this site on and I'm so glad she did. Wish I'd heard that lecture, but I'll have to settle for reading Borysenko's books. I first heard of the Attitude of Gratitude about 20 years ago in a self-help discussion group I attended. A wise older lady, who had a terribly stressful life, was telling of how no matter how bad things were, she always went to bed and tried to think of things for which she was grateful; she went through the alphabet and thought of something that started with A, then B, etc. She had never made it halfway through the 26 letters, and neither have I.
Many times over the years I've used my simplistic Polyanna-ish attitude to get me through tough times. America, and the world, is in crisis right now, but there is no other country I'd rather live. And, but for divine intervention, I'm not living in a tent in some cold back-country hills, with 7 kids and no food, and no hope of ever getting an education, or ever getting myself and my children out of the hills and into a better life. My retirement account isn't what I wish it were, and my health could be a lot better; but when I get up in the morning, I'm grateful that I have a job, a lovely roof over my head, and delicious food for my meals (my scale tells me too much delicious food!). I try to enjoy my friends and nature and the little things in life every day.
Bla...bla...bla...sorry so long, but I feel very strongly about keeping a positive attitude during negative times, and every little reminder helps. Another great author on this subject is M. J. Ryan; "Attitudes of Gratitude" is a great daily read. Thanks so much for your review!!!
Pat Nelson
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Anonymous, at 3:13 PM
I'm a little behind in reading the blogs --- I really like your synopsis --- she has many points that I have tried to add to my life and a few good suggestions that I am going to try to follow. I hope I tell all of you that you are indeed in my list of "gratitudes" --- it is quite amazing, when I think how many years we have been friends --- and how many meals, how many blocks, etc., etc. I feel sorry for those who do not have these kinds of friendships in their lives.
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Anonymous, at 8:36 PM
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